Chaos Chronicles

My little 2 year old, Phoebe, came waltzing in while I was online looking up some doula info.  She was trying to put two totally different shoes on and wanted my help.  I paused to help, then went back to my research.  She took them off and wanted me to help put them on again.  So, I stopped AGAIN to help, then went back to work.

Then, all of a sudden, she points to her pretty little knee and this dialog ensues:

Phoebe: eee ban baine    (I need a BandAid)

Me: ::ignore::

Phoebe:  Eeeeeeeee Ban Baine

Me: ::ignore::

Phoebe:  (yelling) EEEEEEEE BAN BAINE

Me: Phoebe, you don’t need a bandaid.

Phoebe: Ok.  ::walks away::

Why can’t everything else in life be that easy?!

It took me 3 years of infertility and two miscarriages to get Leena, so I now exactly how this feels.  Yes, I had a son.  But it still hurts deeply when you can’t have your husband’s child.

This song is exactly how I felt when I thought I may not be able to give Ben a child.

Well, on the 24th of May we went to Build-A-Bear and made William’s Angel Bear. Click MORE to see a pic of both bears. I figured it was ok to do it on the 24th since my last visit the dr told me I was due the 24th instead of the 26th, even though I know that was wrong, william COULD have been born on the 24th, so it was ok. Memorial Day was uneventful. I basically just stayed in my room. It was hard to think that I should have william by now. I never realized that my due date was on Memorial Day.. that is quite fitting I guess. Now I have my two angel bears on my tv. After taking the picture, I realized that William has a flag in hand. It’s funny how things turn out. Faith had a heart necklace like a bracelet i have and so i wanted william to have soemthing. The the only thing I could find was the flag, so I got it. Weird..

My period was due on the 11th.  Still nothing.  I’ve been on the 10th for the past few months now; like clockwork.  But today, there isn’t even spotting.  I have been wondering for about a week now, if I might be pregnant.  Ben and I had sex on 2 occasions that I was could have gotten pregnant on. This was not planned though.

I am noticing little sings so far.  Acid reflux for no reason, peeing more frequently, sore nipple on my right breast when Leena is nursing.. I thought my areolae were darkening a little again, but I think it’s too early for that.  Sharrise told me yesterday that I looked happier than usual.  I wonder if I’m “glowing”?

A week or so ago I felt like I was pregnant and it was a boy.  We will see.  I just wish if AF was coming, she would come already!  I am getting a test tomorrow.  My stomach kind of feels full.  I really think I’m pregnant, but I will feel dumb if I tell ben that “I know” I’m pregnant and then it turns out I’m wrong.  It could just be wishful thinking.  This month I have decided I want another baby now.  I think my feelings changed about having a baby now, because I’ve been wondering if I was pregnant.  Ben will be happy, but he’d rather wait till next year to get prego. He wants to get back from boot camp first

Well I have to pee again for the hundredth time, so I’ll end here.  Oh, Paul says he wants me to be prego now too.

I don’t know if it’s my hormones or what, but when I was watching a show today (about the loss of a son) I just started bawling at the end. They were talking about the things they do to remind them of their son..and then I got to thinking about what I would do if , God forbid, Paul died. Then I looked at my little angel bears for Faith and William…I started to cry even more, because I CAN’T go to a familiar place, I can’t look at a picture.. I don’t even know what they would have looked like..And I think that is what hurt me the most.. I wish I knew what they looked like… I can’t even think of them and picture a little baby face..They are faceless…It makes them seem like they weren’t even real. That hurts so much. The following year after my miscarriages, all I could do is gather things for them.. ornaments, knick knacks, etc.. all in a futile attempt to have something tangible to have a memory for them put to it. It doesn’t work. It’s not the same. I wish I could know their faces..I don’t even have a place to go and remember them.. William was buried, but that was in MA. I’ve never been there before. The hospital took care of it for us. Faith was never buried.. I want to go see the Memorial Garden when we go back to MA.. but I’m not sure I can. I’m afraid of how I’ll react.. I don’t even know how I’ll react, or what kind of reacting I’m afraid of.. But then again, it might not be as bad as I think.

Dear Friends and Family,

The leaves are still off of the trees but the cold has started to subside a little, at least here in Pennsylvania! There have also been a slew of birthdays this month! So Happy Birthday to you! We thought now would be a good time to give everyone an update on how we are doing.

As most of you know, in August we moved to Pennsylvania. We really enjoy it here. The town we live in reminds us a lot of South Lancaster. We are looking into buying a house 2 doors down from our friends Rick and Aimee. For those of you who are saying “GASP THEY ARE NEVER COMING BACK”, don’t worry. Just because we buy a house doesn’t mean we will stay there for ever..we do plan to rent it out and move again sooner or later.

On the job front, Ben has spent a few months unemployed back in August, where he was able to write a good deal on his many stories and even finished 3 short stories and wrote a great deal on a book in the fantasy genre. God continued to provide for us during that time and then sometime in October He also provided Ben with a job similar to Amsa, but he’s inside most of the time, instead of on the trucks. I have acquired some webdesign work and I am in the process of updating my business site www.nytdesignstudios.com and I’m also doing some selling on ebay as well. Please check out ebay user ID: Murishani if you feel like spending some moolah.

Paul is doing very well in school. He can read practically anything you put in front of him. We are reading “The Little Prince” right now. It’s his first chapter book. He is starting to do his adding and subtracting in his head and has learned to count money. We also were stargazing a few days ago and Paul got to see Mars and Orion’s Belt. Paul is getting pretty big. You can check out some of his most recent pictures at our online photo album at www.lisaandben.com/pics.

We can’t believe he will be 7 in July! We already have one of his birthday presents in the works! Only a few days before Paul’s birthday we will be expecting the arrival of our little Ethan or Angelina! That’s right folks (for those of you who didn’t already find out due to those loose lips!!!), We are pregnant! I am going to be 18 weeks on Tuesday. I am scheduled for an ultrasound on March 5th and we are hoping to find out the sex then! If you want to stay up-to-date on my pregnancy you can check out my pregnancy journal at www.lisaandben.com/peapod.

We are sorry that we didn’t announce it sooner, but with the 2 miscarriages, we were a bit wary about telling anyone too early. I have already had an ultrasound at 16 weeks (too early to tell the sex) and my midwife said that everything looked great! The baby was right on track! All my test have come back great as well. The baby’s heartbeat is in the low 140′s and he/she wiggles around a lot…but mostly at night. Yesterday and today were the first days i have felt more than one or two light kicks. We are all looking forward to this ones arrival in July. On a side note, our friends Rick and Aimee are also due in July with their 2nd, (just a few days before us) so it’s been fun to share this pregnancy with them.

As I write this I realize once again how blessed we all are. Life continues to have its “ups and downs”, but overall there is a great deal to be grateful for. We hope you are all well, and look forward to an email from you to let us know how YOU are doing! And as always you can check out our latest news on our website www.lisaandben.com

Our love and warmest regards,

Lisa, Ben, and Paul

Faith’s birthday is 22 days from now. She would have been 1 year old on the 14th of January. I wonder how we would have celebrated her first birthday. I wonder what tv characters she would have liked..Veggie Tales? Elmo? Dragon Tales? The Tweenies?(GASP!) I wish I could have been given the chance to know. Now tomorrow I’m going to be 10 weeks pregnant with my 4th pregnancy. I’m coming up on some hard dates. 8 days from now I will be 11weeks and 1 day. That is the same time that William died. I’m glad that it’s after Christmas because I don’t want to ruin another holiday, But now I have January 1st as the goal to get past and then January 14th is Faith’s First Birthday. I really really hope and pray that this pregnancy doesn’t follow my last two

I can’t believe it! I really and truely can’t believe it! I am actually pregnant! I’m 4 Weeks today! I took the test Monday night at 9pm. I wasn’t going to test till Friday, but I had to pee and all of a sudden a voice in my head said, TEST! So I did.. and the plus sign came up right away! I couldn’t believe it! I called Ben into the bathroom and told him. We both hugged and cried a little. We were very happy, but we couldn’t make a big thing of it because my sister is staying till Dec. 1st, and we don’t want anyone knowing yet. After I told Ben, I told Paul. Some people would say it’s too early to tell him, but I don’t think so. I told him and he was so so very excited. He jumped up and down and said he was very happy! Then he kissed the baby and asked when the baby would be born. I told him that the baby is going to be due a few days before his birthday in July! He thought that was cool. I just wanted to thank everyone for the prayers and support you have all given me and I ask that you continue to keep me and my baby in your prayers. Please pray that this baby is healthy and that I will have him/her in my arms in 8 months. I still haven’t been to the dr. because I have to call and find out if I still have insurance, and if not, I have to reapply for it. Please pray that it goes well there too. I’ll write more later! I have to go lay down!
If you are reading this, and you are a family member or close friend, and I haven’t told you about me being pregnant, that’s because we aren’t telling anyone till Febuary. Please don’t spread the news around.

The Positive Line ( | ) on my test dissapeared, now just the negative (-) line is there. Does that mean anything?!? The test read positive for 3 days and now the pos. line is gone. It was the clear blue easy test that shows the plus sign instead of the 2 lines. I wonder if that makes a diff. I’m going to go out and get another test and take it again just to make me happy. I wouldn’t think that the test would come out pos. right away if I wasn’t pg. And I took it 3 days early, so that might have something to do with it. Anyway, I’m going to get one of the same kind that i took with faith and william..i would love to get the clesr blue test that says pregnant! I guess I just find this hard to believe! I’ve waited so long for this! Well, I guess that is all for now. I have to get back to finding a skin for the pregnancy blog!

I can’t believe it! I really and truly can’t believe it! I am actually pregnant! I’m 4 Weeks today! I took the test Monday night at 9pm. I wasn’t going to test till Friday, but I had to pee and all of a sudden a voice in my head said, TEST! So I did.. and the plus sign came up right away! I couldn’t believe it! I called Ben into the bathroom and told him. We both hugged and cried a little. We were very happy, but we couldn’t make a big thing of it because my sister is staying till Dec. 1st, and we don’t want anyone knowing yet. After I told Ben, I told Paul. Some people would say it’s too early to tell him, but I don’t think so. I told him and he was so so very excited. He jumped up and down and said he was very happy! Then he kissed the baby and asked when the baby would be born. I told him that the baby is going to be due a few days before his birthday in July! He thought that was cool. I just wanted to thank everyone for the prayers and support you have all given me and I ask that you continue to keep me and my baby in your prayers. Please pray that this baby is healthy and that I will have him/her in my arms in 8 months. I still haven’t been to the dr. because I have to call and find out if I still have insurance, and if not, I have to reapply for it. Please pray that it goes well there too. I’ll write more later! I have to go lay down!