Chaos Chronicles

My little 2 year old, Phoebe, came waltzing in while I was online looking up some doula info.  She was trying to put two totally different shoes on and wanted my help.  I paused to help, then went back to my research.  She took them off and wanted me to help put them on again.  So, I stopped AGAIN to help, then went back to work.

Then, all of a sudden, she points to her pretty little knee and this dialog ensues:

Phoebe: eee ban baine    (I need a BandAid)

Me: ::ignore::

Phoebe:  Eeeeeeeee Ban Baine

Me: ::ignore::

Phoebe:  (yelling) EEEEEEEE BAN BAINE

Me: Phoebe, you don’t need a bandaid.

Phoebe: Ok.  ::walks away::

Why can’t everything else in life be that easy?!

I don’t know if it’s my hormones or what, but when I was watching a show today (about the loss of a son) I just started bawling at the end. They were talking about the things they do to remind them of their son..and then I got to thinking about what I would do if , God forbid, Paul died. Then I looked at my little angel bears for Faith and William…I started to cry even more, because I CAN’T go to a familiar place, I can’t look at a picture.. I don’t even know what they would have looked like..And I think that is what hurt me the most.. I wish I knew what they looked like… I can’t even think of them and picture a little baby face..They are faceless…It makes them seem like they weren’t even real. That hurts so much. The following year after my miscarriages, all I could do is gather things for them.. ornaments, knick knacks, etc.. all in a futile attempt to have something tangible to have a memory for them put to it. It doesn’t work. It’s not the same. I wish I could know their faces..I don’t even have a place to go and remember them.. William was buried, but that was in MA. I’ve never been there before. The hospital took care of it for us. Faith was never buried.. I want to go see the Memorial Garden when we go back to MA.. but I’m not sure I can. I’m afraid of how I’ll react.. I don’t even know how I’ll react, or what kind of reacting I’m afraid of.. But then again, it might not be as bad as I think.

Well, I called my cousin on the 3rd and found out that at 17 weeks, she had miscarried. She said they think it was caused by a blood clot on the placenta. It happened on the 1st, and she had to go through labor. I feel so bad for her. She had a boy and they named him Jeremiah. I feel so bad for her. I also feel bad because I hadn’t thought about losing my 2nd baby the last 4th. I remembered it after she told me her baby was “born” on the 1st. Then last night I find out that my good friend Jo has also miscarried @ 16 weeks, but the baby went to only 9 weeks. It makes me scared to try again, because I don’t know if I can go through another miscarriage right now. I could deal with it better if I had a successful pregnancy in between. Well, I just have to wait and see. Ugh.

I’m still under 2, so I guess that means no prego me yet. I’m starting to feel AF comming on. She is due the 8th for a visit. Once she comes, I get to officially TTC! I can’t wait..OH and I got new insurance, so now I just sent for my records… it will be interesting to see what it says about my last pregnancy. And now when I go to a new dr, I can self refer myself to a specialist! Woohoo.. M&F medicine here i come.

I took an OPK test yesterday. I’m not TTCing yet, But I just wanted to make sure I’m Ovulating. Well the test was negative.. which I expected.. but it made me really sad because it looks just like a pregnancy test. And if it WAS a pregnancy test, it would have been a positive test. There were 2 lines there. But it wasn’t. It was an OPK. The line was too light to be a pos. for an LH surge. Weird. If someone saw the test in the trash, they would think I was prego.. but I’m not. But hopefuly I will be on the 25th of July when I’m due to O. That is Paul’s birthday too. and I would be due April 18th. It would be funny if I went 2 weeks early like I did with Paul. Then I’d be due 04-04-04 that would be cute. I’ve also been thinking of his name.. Ethan Bridgham .. it feels like something is missing.. So I thought why not Ethan Michael Brigham . I wanted Michael for Williams middle name but it was Ben’s decision, so It was Robert. Which worked out wonderfully. I don’t think Ben will agree with Michael though.. especially not now that I have a crush on Michael Shanks from Stargate SG1.. hehe

AF Came today! I don’t have to freak out about my levels being up! Of course, I wish I was prego, and that I would have a healthy pregnancy and all that, don’t get me wrong! It’s just that I want to make it out of my 6 month time period before I get prego so I don’t worry about it being the molar pg coming back. This is a 32 day cycle, so that’s good. It’s not the post-depo shot 34-36 but it’s also not my pre-depo shot 30 day cycle. And I looked at my cycle for July… If my current cycle is a 32 day cycle .. or even if it’s a 30 day cycle, I’ll be getting pregnant on or a few days ater Paul’s birthday , like my “feeling” said back in.. I forget.. maybe march?

Well, I have little blood spotlets (I have no idea how else to describe it lol) that could either mean that AF will start Tomorrow or the next day. For a 34 day cycle I should be starting on Sunday. I want to take a pregnancy test sooooooooo bad. If I don’t start on sunday, I will. I go for my THCG test monday. I don’t know how I would get pregnant though. We used condoms, but of course, they could break..and we only put them on for the end of the deal.. Then there was that time a few days ago that we didn’t use anything.. but that was too late in my cycle to do anything. IF I am prego this cycle, I will be due on Valentines Day!!! If I get prego next cycle, I’ll be due March 15th, the day after my sister should have been born.. ewww that’s kind of gross lol. If I get prego in 2 more cycles, I’ll be due April 22 and if I get prego the cycle after that, I’ll be due May 26th.. The same due date as William… I don’t know how I’d react to that…

It would be kind of wierd. I hope I am prego right now.. even though my ‘wait’ wouldn’t be up yet..If I was seeing a specialist, 3 months of negative tests would have been a sufficient wait..but my dr isn’t a specialist..so it’s 6 months with her. How wonderful it would be to have a baby on valentines day. That’s also the day after my mother’s birthday and the day before my friends birthday. OH! and I also found 2 places in MA. that do 3d ultrasounds and put it to video for you!!! One is in Fallriver called Baby’s First Impressions and the other, called That’s My Baby, is in Leominster. I have been feeling pukey, and I have been eating more, my body seems different a little but it could just be that this is the first cycle of the bc. and my body is just trying to get to normal again. Who knows..I’ll know by sunday that’s for sure.

I can’t wait!!!!!! only 4 more weeks!! yay!! I have a tiny suspicion though, that I might be pregnant already. Of course, the only way that would happen is if the protection we used failed. But I’m feelig hungrier, haven’t started my period yet, and i’ve been getting the same pains in my stomach when I was prego the last time, and felt pukey yesterday.. But then again, I felt the same way the month before I was prego….so maybe it’s my body subconciously getting ready for pregnancy.. I don’t know. I just hope it doesn’t take another year and a half…

Well, I have to go in for my monthly test on friday. I’m a little scared. For one thing, Ben and I had sex without protection a few days ago. I DOUBT i’d get prego, but what IF i did ovulate then instead of when I should of.. this IS my first cycle off the bc, i can do anything right now. If I’m on track, I should start tomorrow.. if I go back to the old schedule, I’m due for AF on sunday. The other reason I’m worried is because I’ve been getting the same pains I did the last time I was prego..It has just been today, but still… I think it was the pain from the pregnancy being a molar…. so now I’m scared that it’s come back….God I hope not. Please pray for me

It was one year ago yesterday that I found out I was pregnant with Faith. My sweet little angel girl. I can’t believe it’s been a year..She would be 4 months old right now. Oh wow. Right now, I would have had a sweet baby girl at my breast to nurse..or stroking her soft dimpled cheeks as I sing her a lullaby to put her to sleep again..William’s due date is monday. We are going to build-a-bear on saturday since monday it will probably be closed. I guess it’s ok since at my last ob appt. with him, the dr said my due date was May 24th, instead of the other dr’s date of May 26th.

I was pretty sad today. I went out with Beckah and her newborn (born 5 1/2 weeks ago). Her little boy should have been able to play with my little boy when they get older But anyway, she keeps talking about her baby. The thing that gets me the most is that she talks about things like I don’t know what she means. Hello!! I have a 6 year old. I don’t need her telling me how you are supposed to hold a baby or anything else any mother would know..I’m not stupid. Every last word out of her mouth is about her baby.. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she has every right to talk about her baby and to he extatic about having him.. but I just wish she wouldn’t be that way with me. it feels like she is rubbing it into my face. I know she probably isn’t but it still feels that way in my heart. Well, I better go now.. it’s late.