Chaos Chronicles

Well we finally decided on a name. Faith Manuela .
Faith because we have to have faith that we will meet her in heaven and that God will bless us again with a child to hold. Manuela because of 2 reasons. The first being I have always wanted to name a child in memory of my aunt who was a second mother to me and the second reason is because it means God is with us. So her name means Trust that God is with Us. We liked that. At first we couldn’t decide between Faith Hannah, Faith Jadyn, and Faith Manuela, so I joked with Ben that we pick Faith Hannah Jadyn Manuela which would mean Trust by the Grace of God that He Has Heard us and He Is With Us.

Well christmas is now over. I made it ok through that. Now the next 2 hurdles are getting to 0, which should be either this week or next, and Faith’s due date. I’m already starting to feel sad. I think I want to go to the cemetery that William is in and leave flowers for them both. I know she was never buried there, but it doesn’t really matter. That is where I will remember her. I can’t help but think that I should be announcing the birth of our little baby, not going to leave flowers at the grave site of her brother for the both of them. I think I’m starting my period very soon since i can feel the period cramps coming on. I even wake up and think.. Oh, am I bleeding???? But it turns out to be nothing. My newest feeling has something to do with me being prego in July.

I even gave Ben the date too. I told him we would find out on Paul’s birthday, July 25th (which is also another significant date for us, besides Paul’s birthday.) Or I would GET pregnant on that day. And today I forecasted my cycles in advance and guess what day it said I’m supposed to start my period in July.. Yep the 25th. That would be the day I would take the test if I didn’t start..and it happened to be the exact day I told Ben that we would conceive. But, I believe my cycle forecast is wrong! I think I’m going to ovulate on the 25th (give or take a day) and we will conceive then. That would make us due April 18th or so. We would have an April baby then. I think it will be a girl, but for some reason, again, I’m sort of looking at the future of it being a boy. Who knows. Friday I go for my next THCG testing. Ben and I also have to go in for blood tests to do chromosome testing on the both of us just to make sure that it’s not a problem with either one of us. The dr. doesn’t think there is since it was a partial molar, but she said just to make us feel better, she will order the testing. I wonder how that is going to go.. Well, not too much more to say.. We are going to talk to someone tomorrow about a house, so hopefully we can work out a deal and be moved in by our anniversary! That would be nice. I’m starting to cry now.. I’m just thinking about us getting a house of our own and then finding out we are pregnant again.. i don’t think I could keep myself from creating a nursery right away.. I don’t think I’m asking for too much.. All I want is to have my husband’s baby I hope someday soon we will. It’s so hard to be positive when I was positive twice before only to be shot down and have my dreams of my little ones dashed to the floor. Ugh.. anyway, I’ll write more on monday when i get my THCG test results back. If they aren’t at 0 this week, they should be by next week.

My hormone levels are negative. The miscarriage is finally all over. That means that we can start to plan on TTC again! We are waiting for one full menstrual cycle and then we will try again. It should take 4 to 6 weeks for me to get my period now. I hope it doesn’t take another year like it did the last time. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. I got an email from a woman named Saralyn today. She saw the website and expressed her sympathies. She also made me a banner for Faith. It made me cry.