Chaos Chronicles

Ben and I took the kids to the Ecotarium again (did I tell you about the first time?) and we decided to have lunch there.

When I walked into the “Cafe”, the sterile smell of the air in the room hit my nose and I was immediately caught off guard.

My vision narrowed and I was thrown back into a memory from when my mom was in the hospital during her last week of life.

I felt like I was walking into that hospital cafeteria all over again. Then it flashed to my mom in her hospital bed upstairs, fading away.

It felt like such a kick in the gut, but I was ok. I told Ben about it and he held me close. I was grateful for the hug, and the fact that I was able to get through that hard moment without breaking down.

I still think about her a lot, but it’s easier to deal with now. I still cry about her every once in a while, but it’s not every time I see or hear her name. Or every time I look at a mother’s day card.

I’m dreading the moment when something big comes a long (like I have another child, or I go back to school and graduate from college) and I want my mom there for it. I hope things wont unravel again.

I keep meaning to write a book for each of my children, so they can have a keepsake of advice, pictures, etc from me when I die. I think it would have been nice to have something like that of my mom’s. Where she is talking to me.

At least I was able to say goodbye to her. Some people don’t get that chance.
I got to tell her I loved her one last time.
That makes me happy.

Dear Mom,

I wanted to write this to you last night, on your birthday, but Phoebe spilled some water on my keyboard and fried it. It’s working now, but I had to dry it out.

On Thursday, the day before your birthday, someone found my blog by searching Google for “letters to mom on her birthday after she has passed away”.   I wonder who that was.  I wonder if this letter had been posted then, would they find what they were looking for.

Then, after that funny coincidence, the day of your birthday I was on Ben’s laptop watching a TV show.  The screen saver came on and it was the picture that I took of you just before you were diagnosed.  The one I edited and printed for your funeral.  You sat there on my computer screen and just smiled at me.  It made me tear up and miss you more.   I was able to control my tears though, and let it pass.  It’s getting easier.  I’m afraid of next month.  The 1 year anniversary of your death.  How will I handle it?

I still miss you a lot mom.   It definitely doesn’t seem like almost a year since you’ve been gone.  I wish I could give you a birthday present.  It probably would be something with a cat on it.  I’d probably be walking around Wal*Mart looking for just the right thing and something with a Cat would pop out at me. Ah HA!  That’s the perfect present.  But then again, if you were here today and leukemia free, I’d probably buy you something that showed you just how special you are to me.  A Mother Daughter day at the spa.  Maybe surprise you with a trip to Disney.  Pat is going there on the 20th.  Yeah, I think that’s what I would have done.  Disney.

I thought about calling Dad yesterday…but I was afraid to call.  I was afraid that I was going to make him cry if I mentioned it.  I wonder if he even remembered.  He was never good with dates.   I’m going to see him tomorrow, maybe I’ll ask him…

I just called him.  While I waited for him to answer, I played out our converstation in my head.  I don’t remember what it was now, but it got me all choked up.    I got it together before he got on the phone, though.

I told him about the search query that brought up my site.  He said maybe it was you.  I laughed.  I didn’t know you had internet access where you are!  Send me an email when you get a chance

Anyway.  Happy Birthday,  Happy Valentines Day, and I Miss You.

Love Always,

Lisa

So, I belong to this site called BzzAgent.com.  They have this thing called the frogpond.  The frogpond is a place where you can explore new sites through links from different companies/people who are looking for opinions on their site, service, or product.  Well today there was a frog for a company called Mokugift.

It sounded like a cool site (you donate one dollar and they plant one tree), so I decided to check it out. by donating one dollar to plant a tree in my mother’s memory. When I got to Mokugift.com I was pleased that it was an easy to navigate site.  I was able to quickly and securely donate my dollar, and then add the recipient information.  Once you send off your dollar, the person you put down as the recipient gets an e-card in their inbox that lets them know you planted a tree for them.

They can click on the link to go to the Mokugift site and there is a virtual tree garden that shows your message to them as well as a virtual tree being planted by a cute bunny.  Then it takes the recipient to the overview of the tree garden where they can see the tree (or trees) in a large virtual reality garden that is overseen by that very same bunny.  The recipient can then post his/her garden to myspace, facebook, wordpress, etc.  I can only assume that you can watch them grow over time.

“Mokugift has partnered with Sustainable Harvest International(SHI), which has planted over 2M trees and educated local communities about sustainable practices over the last 10 years.” – Mokugift.com

I would definately reccommend this website to anyone who wants to help the environment and/or wants to let someone know they are in your thoughts.  You can even remember a loved one by planting a tree, like I did.   You can’t go wrong with Mokugift.com

Well sort of.    I already have a quote of mine listed on the Salvadore Auto website (where I bought my wonderful van!).

Last night I recieved an email from Sean Biggins from the Worcester Light The Night office.  He wants to put a quote of mine in the post-walk newsletter for Worcester!

Now some of you are thinking, That’s not famous!  Well, your right.

I just needed a title for this blog   I’ll post the newsletter when it becomes available.

I’m working on uploading some of the Hospital entries from the journal I was writing in while at the hospital with my mom.  It’s making me relive those days all over again, but I’m holding up better than I thought I would.  The worst part is remembering her face and how she looked in those last hours.  Like she wasn’t even there, long before her last breath…SIGH.  I wish she was still here.

I’m sitting here going over old hospital entries from my mom’s last week and this conversation happens out of the blue.

Leena: “Mommy, why did Nana die?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Leena: “I don’t know .. maybe she didn’t breathe…” She pauses to think..

Leena: “But then..we can see her! Nana will feel much better when Jesus comes and then we can see Nana right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Leena: “YAY!” As she jumps on my bed.

Tonight was the Light The Night Walk!  I am pleased to announce that Team Veloza has raised $1191.00 for the Light The Night Walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.   UPDATE: The final count for donations raised by Team Veloza for the ’08 walk is $1249.00!!!!!!!

Our Walkers were: Lisa M, Amy S, Paul R, Vince R, James V, Cyndi B, Tahlor B, Wolf S, Kim and John F, Rebeckah C, and Tom G.

Our Donators were: Lisa M, James V, Pat M, Kim and John F, Andrew and Carla T, Amy A, Sheila A, Amy O, Amy S, Lois O, Lois D, Tom S, Pastor Tom, Mrs. Chase, Mr. Billings, Dr. D, Mrs. Bakun, Terry and Mary R, Vince R, Nappa Auto Parts, Freedom Worship Center, and Pastor Mac and his wife.  (If I’ve forgotten anyone, please let me know.  My appologies)

Vince and Wolf showed up about quarter past 4 and we painted the windows of our cars with cheers for Team Veloza!  Shortly after, my dad and Cindy and Tahlor showed up and then Rebeckah and Tom.  Then I got a call from Kim and John and they said they were going to walk with us, so they met us at my house and we had ourselves a 3 car caravan/carpool lol.
It was a great walk.  It went by quickly and everyone on Team Veloza got a red balloon to carry and I had a gold balloon to represent my mother.  We also all got T-shirts to remember the event and I got a yellow long sleeved t-shirt for the Bright Lights Club.

The Bright Lights club is a club for individuals who raised over 1000$.  I was very happy that I made the club this year, since it was the first year we walked.  It is such an awesome way for me to remember my mom.

Well the walk is now over and I’m looking forward to next year.  I hope Team Veloza will rally again and get motivated to beat this years donation amount!

YAY TEAM VELOZA!  I love you mom!

Team Veloza has officially broken the $1000 dollar mark!  YAY Team Veloza!  I can’t believe we made it this far!  We still have a few stray donations coming in as well!

If I can personally raise another 125$, then my name will be enlisted into the Bright Lights Club and I’ll get a certificate, because my personal fundraising total would be $1000 (not the team total, which will be more than $1000).  That would mean the world to me because this is the year I lost my mother.  This is the first year I attended the walk.  This is the year everything matters most…
I really don’t know what to feel right now.  I don’t know what emotions the walk night will bring.  I’m a little scared to face that little unknown tidbit, but I wouldn’t miss the walk for the world.  I know my mom would be proud of me for doing this for her, but it hurts to know that she wont be there on Sunday night standing next to me like the other survivors and their families   I wish I was doing this walk to celebrate her beating her cancer, not walking to honor her memory.

Ben isn’t coming to the walk with me.  He doesn’t want to go.  I never really asked him why he didn’t want to go and although I was dissapointed he didn’t want to go, it really didn’t bother me.  Now though, I’m thinking about Sunday and about the emotions that will definately be running through me, and I want Ben to be there.  Him not being there really hurts me all of a sudden.  He’s not going to be there when I’m going to need him.  Sure, I’ll be surrounded by friends, but for something like that, I want my husband there.. he was there in the hospital room with me when she died, and being there at the walk for me when things will get very emotional makes an extra connection that we have besides husband and wife.   I guess I’m just going to have to talk to him about it.  Maybe we can find someone to watch the girls.
Anyway, if anyone would like to make a tax deductable donation just click on the Light The Night icon to the left (listed under Causes) to make a secure one-time donation.  You can also pay with a check.

Thanks so much!

So, I needed to kill some time yesterday before Paul’s Book Fair… so I decided to go to the cemetery.  I haven’t been back since the funeral.  I found my mom’s grave and got a little choked up.  I didn’t cry, but it was definitely sad.  Then Phoebe was being a 2 year old and wanting to run and touch everything, so we had to go.  Leena started getting upset and crying saying she didn’t want to go.  I asked why and she said because she wanted to stay there and see Nana.  I almost started crying.  I promised her we’d be back and she said ok, and we left.  It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, though.