Why do I feel like I’m doing this fundraiser alone. The Light The Night Walk. Why am I the only one who seems to want to do this? My cousin wants to walk, but she’s doing nothing to help out. I’m the only one getting people to walk, I’m the only one getting donations (i single-handedly raised over 400$ Thank you so much if you donated!!) No one is replying to my emails about our fundraisers, I’m the only one doing anything for the silent auction fundraiser, I’m the ONLY ONE. My dad isn’t helping, my sister isn’t helping. They both said they’d walk, but what’s really the point in walking? If you’re not going to do anything, why walk? Just so you can feel good about yourself?
I am really talking more about family than friends. My mother’s family. People who should want to do something for her after she died just to show her support. Some may question Why show her support? She’s dead, she isn’t going to know the difference! I don’t know what to tell you. If you are thinking about it like that, then don’t come. Don’t raise money, and don’t ask me how it’s going. I don’t need people like you. I need people who care about helping me. If you don’t have money to donate or know anyone who can, that’s fine. Help out in other ways. Reply to my freaking emails when I send them out talking about our progress as a team. Help out with your time during the fundraisers. But don’t just show up to walk because you want the experience for yourself. Walk down the block if you want to walk for the experience. I’m really sorry if I piss anyone off, but I’m just so mad with everyone right now. I can’t believe all the people talking about how sad they are she’s gone and how they miss her and how it wasn’t fair. But what are these people doing? NOTHING. Leaving me to do it on my own. Just like my sister left me on my own when I had to spend my mother’s last week watching her die.
Why wasn’t she there? Because she was selfish. Too freaking bad if you are reading this Lori. I don’t give a crap anymore. I’m just so angry and I keep it in because your my sister, but WHY AM I STILL ALONE?!??!!?!? Where did I come from? Why do I feel like I’m the only person in my family to see the value of family and helping others. I am under so much stress with trying to be there for everyone, be everything my family needs, and trying to just BE that it’s starting to effect everything else around me.
Maybe it’s me with the problem. Why do I need to help people all the time? Maybe I have some genetic defect that attracts these people. WHY WHY WHY. Why am I the one viewed as a screw up instead of my sister by my father? Why do I want him to acknowledge that I’m not. Why do I care? It must be me. It usually is all my fault.
I just want to scream. Really scream. I stayed with my mother every day that last week. I lived out of my inlaws house for over a month from the time i came down, went back to ME, and came back down again.
The only positive thing my dad has ever said to me through all this is that he understood why I couldn’t read my mom’s eulogy and had to have Ben do it and that I did a good job. BUt then he ruined it with some stupid comment about “see, and you thought it would be easy” among other dumb comments.
Like when he asked me to do my grandmother’s stimulus form for taxes. I made a comment about her filing taxes, and he said she doesn’t have to file taxes, I just want you to do this. I said yeah, I know she doesn’t have to file taxes, but in order to get the rebate, she has to file taxes this year. So then he proceeded to tell me that I was so smart I didn’t realize how stupid I was, took the form back from me and told me he’d do it himself. Arguing with me that stating her income for the rebate was NOT the same as filing taxes.
Later when I asked what happend with the rebate, he said he didn’t do it because she didn’t want the hassle of filing taxes for 600. Wow.
I’m just going to get angrier and angrier if I continue this post. Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow.